b1gbuffcheetopuff:

Aries: “Tell the cops to wait, I’m playing Call of Duty.”

Taurus: “Fuck it, I’m going to Canada.”

Gemini: “COME HOME THIS INSTANT I ACCIDENTALLY MADE 144 COOKIES.”

Cancer:  (playing cod) “I can’t hear you over the sound of me kicking all these twelve-year-olds’ asses.”

Leo: (pointing to a bruise on my hand) “Is that a hickey?”

Virgo:  “Don’t tell your mom, but I’m happy for the gays.”

Libra: “Sad movies are dumb.  I don’t want to pay ten dollars to cry for two hours.  I do that every day for free.”

Scorpio: “I want the board to change my job title from CEO to supreme leader.”

Saggitarius: “The only reason I have a facebook is to embarass your mom.”

Capricorn: “I have a crush on Eric Dane.”

Aquarius: “I’m hiding from your mother because I just told her to fight me and I’m scared she’ll win.”

Pisces: “When I die, make sure I get a viking funeral.  If I’m getting cremated, I’m getting cremated like a badass.”